DVD REVIEW: THE DAY THE EARTH STOPPED (2008)

Director: C.Thomas Howell Writer: Darren Dalton, Carey, Shane Van Dyke Starring:C.Thomas Howell , Judd Nelson Distributor: The Asylum

Thousands of massive alien robots invade earth. Josh Myron (C. Thomas Howell) is apart of an special forcers team that find two naked alien whose ship (that is in the form of a robot) has crashed landed and have been cut off from the others. Myron has to prove to Sky (the naked female alien) the worth of humanity or they will be destroyed.

This is the Mockbuster that Fox didn’t want you too see. As previously reported Fox issued a “cense and deceits” orders against this movie. They felt that THE DAY THE EARTH STOPPED was an unoriginal rip off of there unnecessary remake of the 1951 seminal science fiction classic THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL. It seems that Fox has stopped nothing and the film is being released. I like to think that the whole “cense and deceits” order was just an elaborate pr stunt by The Asylum themselves, but I kind of doubt it. I noticed the Asylum has posted the following on there website:

“THE DAY THE EARTH STOPPED, which will premiere on DVD on Decemember 16, 2008. Unlike a certain major studio release that has a suspiciously similar title (we suspect that the majors have spies digging through our trash), our movie features hundreds of giant robots, that guy from The Breakfast Club, and a hot naked chick.”

Like most Asylum Mockbusters the lead up is always better than the film itself.  This movie has a lot of great elements such as Hot Naked Aliens, Giant Robots and C. Thomas Howell but the ideas within the film itself aren’t as good. With existential sci-fi films you don’t need great elements scene as much as great ideas. The film isn’t boring but it’s not as interesting as it should have been. All the actors are fine. More humour between Myron and Sky could have really added a lot to the movie as a whole. Fellow brat packer Judd Nelson is doing his buddy C. Thomas Howell (who also directs) a favour and turns up for a glorified cameo and the second billing.

This film has a lot of classic b moments. Such as the scene in which Myron and Sky are getting car jacked, the jacker tells us they have the only car on the road, the a moment you see a car drive back in the background (but this is somewhat debated in the audio commentary).  Sky telepathically shows Myron her home planet which of course looks just like our own planet but with colour filters.

The most bizarre incident happens right at the end of the film.

SPOILER

Myron and Sky find Judd Nelson and pregnant wife inside there car. They agree to take them to the hospital but are soon get chased by Myron agents (as he has gone renegade with Sky.) After a short and not terribly fast car chase, Myron pulls into a warehouse. He opens up the back of the car to find Judd Nelson passing him his newly born daughter. The fact and the mother was giving birth during the car chase isn’t all that obvious. I find it odd that the first thing Judd Nelson dose after his wife gives birth is to pass there child to a stranger. Shouldn’t he have kissed his wife and say “Good work honey, you did it”. I don’t know a lot about babies, but this kid looks massive and clean. Also Myron holds the baby, he doesn’t support its neck with his hand. I’m sure this improper child handling isn’t showing the aliens the worth of humans. Instead of passing the baby back to Judd Nelson so he can enjoy this moment with his wife he passes it to Sky the alien instead (thankfully she is fully clothed at this point). While all of this is happening no one has noticed that the mother is now dead in the back of the car. What self obsessed jerks all these characters must be. After they finally notice they decide to do cpr on her. Instead of compressing on her heart Judd Nelson decided to compress just below her neck. Somehow Sky finds this very touching and decided to intervene with the humans (which is something she said she wasn’t going to do) and revives to mother and decided that the humans have proven there worth. Go figure there crazy alien logic. I guess all those colour filters on there home plant have affected there brains.

END OF SPOILER

Should you watch this film? Meh… I’m unsure. It’s by far from the worst film the Asylum has made. If you’re like me you’re going to watch it for it’s title alone. This movie isn’t a total waste of your time, but you could put it to better use by watching the original Day The Earth Stood Still.

LESLIE MORRIS 15.12.08

DVD REVIEW: CREEPSHOW 3 (2006)

CREEPSHOW 3 comprises of five, short, comic bookque horror stories that revolve around a suburban street.

ALICE

Alice returns home to find her father has bought a universal remote from a street vendor. The remote has to power to control everything. After playing with the colour setting he changes the family (with the exception of Alice) from white to African American than to Latino… and so on and so on. The main problem is with this story is that is just not that interesting and the ending is weak. The universal remote idea is pretty old idea that has been used better in other movies. The ending isn’t very satisfying? In fact it makes little sense. Stephanie Pettee is great as Alice. The special effects are first class and quite disgusting.

THE RADIO

Jerry buys a radio of a street vendor. Before I go too far I must point out that the street vendor none other than B Movie Superstar Elwood Carlisle. Elwood started his acting career at the age of 74. He often get cast has crazy old men. His most memorable performance is of the “crazy old man strip joint patron” from Troma’s TALES FROM THE CRAPPER Anyway Jerry gets the radio home soon to find a female voice talking to him. The voice has a plan to make them both rich, it will just involve a few murders. This story is long and boring and once again the idea has been played out better in several other films and books. Once again the pay off isn’t that great.

CALL GIRL

There is a call girl killer who is in a boring short film with a silly illogical (even for horror movie standards) twist. At least the effects are good.

THE PROFESSOR’S WIFE

This is by far the best story. Professor Dayton invites two students around to his house (by the way it’s the Professor who made both the universal remote and the radio). The students are soon convinced that the professor’s wife is in fact a robot. This story is short, punchy and too the point. The pay off is fantastic! But the story doesn’t have and ending as much as it just ends. Well the real ending comes at a small epilogue at the very end when all the characters are revisited. If you’re going to watch this movie I’d suggest just skip the rest and just watch this story alone.

HAUNTED DOG

Professor Farewell is amoral, jerk of a doctor who gives a homeless man a hot dog that he accidentally dropped on the ground. The homeless eats it and as a result dies. The doctor is soon plagued by the homeless mans ghost. This could have been a really good story. The editing to sharp the music good but the pay off is just stupid. It’s as satisfying as the “and I woke up and it was all a dream” ending. Kris Allen is fantastic as Professor Farewell. He’s incredibility funny and steals every scene he is in. This short is with seeing for his performance alone.

The idea of an anthology of film that revolves the same street is rather appealing.  Also that fact that each individual story involves a throw back or subtext to another one is great. But the stories themselves are just weak. The ideas in the movie are better than the movie itself. In fact they are standard ideas that have been used in shows like THE OUTER LIMITS for years. The problem is they just add nothing new or interesting to the stories. On the plus side the music is good, it has good production values most of the performances are strong. Let’s be honest a lot of people are going to hate this films out of principle. Cult director George A. Romero and writer Stephen King helmed the first two CREEP SHOW films. Then a few years ago the rights (and several others of Romero’s films) were acquired by TAURUS ENTERTAINMENT. And since then they have been cashing in on the name value of these films. To date they have made DAY OF THE DEAD 2 (another squeal is rumoured), CREEPSHOW 3 (more sequels are also rumoured) and puzzling enough they are trying to making KNIGHTRIDERS 2 (KIGHTRIDERS is an obscure, mostly unknown George A. Romero film that has little name value). CREEPSHOW 3 isn’t as bad as internet trolls make it out to be, on the other hand its not that great either only wait it if you’re in an undemanding mood. Maybe you kids will get a thrill out of it.

The behind the scenes stuff is just the normal ego stroking stuff. Only watch it if you want to see Elwood Carlisle two second cameo.

LESLIE MORRIS

SCREENER REVIEW: BOARDING GATE (2008)

Director: Olivier Assayas Writer: Alex Cox Starring: Asia Argento, Michael Madsen Distributor: Eagle Entertainment (AUS)

I’ll apologise in advance: I’m sorry, but they should have called this film Bored-ing Gate. We are all busy people so I’ll get straight to the point – this film includes one scene with Asia Argento’s bare breasts and several with her wearing sheer bra and panties. She does not have a sex scene per se but there is at one point a glimpse of what the Nerds were waiting to see where the angel tattoo ends. An extremely brief glimpse but enough to ascertain her shaving schedule. Unless you’re a fan of my writing (heaven forbid!) or you are exceptionally bored, stop reading now, go out into the world and enjoy the sunshine safe in the knowledge that Boarding Gate (2007) has absolutely nothing else to offer. I’m going to go on for a while, so please excuse me.

Remember at school when everyone had to make a film? You always knew the delinquent clowns who never shut up in class would make some thankless piece of crap, right? But whatever they did, even if it was only half finished, always had something going for it. Maybe someone farted and they all laughed on set, maybe one of them fell over during a shot, maybe their attempts were so pitiful they were funny. But you always waited for their films, just to see what these jokers were going to produce. Conversely, the kids who grew up to be accountants always made the worst films, with one exception. Sometimes there would be a kid with artistic pretentions, who perhaps thought he knew something about filmmaking and thought he was going to produce a masterpiece. And his film was always the biggest, most obnoxious and rancid piece of shit of the whole lot.

If you are going to hire Asia Argento to get her gear off at least get her to fight some werewolves instead of inserting her into the worst kind of pretentiously attempted psychological thriller. While I was watching this son of a bitch a title came up on the screen saying “sexy cover art will appeal to males aged 16 – 35” which is indeed true. But I’d hate to be the guy they come gunning for when they actually watch it and realise they have just wasted twenty bucks in a DVD for a few seconds of Asia Argento’s tits. Olivier Assayas obviously had a very limited budget for this film, that or he is a tight-ass motherfucker. In any case I hope he makes nothing because he has committed the worst artistic sin of all – he has created art which is boring. Instead of presenting us with the ever-present threat of a Michael Madsen nude scene he should have hired an unknown and invested in some cool werewolf costumes.

It’s not hard to go to the desert and hire some wicked cars. Instead most of this film is set in offices. I like to be terrified when I’m watching a movie but watching this I was terrified someone was going to ask me if I wanted to join the footy tipping competition. When Michael Madsen’s voice and people lighting cigarettes are the basis for your film being an erotic psychological thriller you should get an office job and get your tips in every Friday afternoon. Thankfully after People Magazine print the stills featuring Asia’s bits this film will be forgotten and a good thing too.

JAMES JACKSON

DVD REVIEW: ATTACK OF THE GIANT LEECHES (2009)

Director: Brett Kelly Writer: Jeff O’Brien Starring: Mark Courneyea Distributor: Midnight Re

ATTACK OF THE GIANT LEECHES is pointless remake of the 1959 Roger Corman produced film of the same name.

I’m not against remakes. I think good stories should be retold. While the concept of a remake is relatively new within the cinema has been done thought-out all art forms for thousands of years. If it was good enough for Shakespeare, it should be good enough for the rest of us. I am against boring film, which this one certainly is.

ATTACK OF THE GIANT LEECHES fails on every level. Remakes tend to offer something better than the original. In my option this doesn’t, which is quite astonishing considering the original isn’t very good to start with. Not all films need to offer something new. Some of my favorite films are simple, genera, cliques filled movies that are just done well! This isn’t! As a horror film that offers little in the way or scares, or gore. Unlike the original it doesn’t even have any camp “good/bad” value to it.

I’m usually willing to forgive all of those things as long as the movie has a good monster. Once again ATTACK OF THE GIANT LEECHES fails! Maybe the director Brett Kelly should have taken Roger Corman advice when he said “Always make your monster bigger then the leading actor”. The “giant leeches” are pretty small. Granted they’re giant for leech standards, but small when compared to a human.  The only danger associated with these leeches is they’re danger of being treaded on. So how do you think they kill these bad boys? Develop some kind of super weapon? Do they call army air strike? Unfreeze Godzilla? Of course not! Characters just pick up sticks off the ground and stab them! LAME!

Even these pint sized killer could have came up with better kills. A bunch of them could have came up out of the mud and dragged there victims down, then blood could have came spurting out. They could have had acid slim, or could have grow after eating there victims. The possibilities are endless. Instead all the kills are all the same. They use there stealth ability to sneak up behind people and kill them. BORING!

This film also involves a few of my pet peeves. We have to sit through too many opening credits! None of the actors have any kind of name value outside of Canada. We even see the director’s name twice. I know who he is and I don’t care. At that point of the movie I just want to see some Giant Leeches DAMN IT! On top of that it takes a while for the characters to establish the killers are in fact giant leeches. That’s fine for the character within the film, but we already know this (the title kind of gives it away). It just needless exposition is just boring.  On top of all of this, the film has a terrible filter that turns everyone grey… thus ruining the “bikini girls with water pistol scene” which would be the only redeemable thing about this film. I’m just going to nit pick now. The romantic leads certainly aren’t ugly, but they’re not the type of people I really want to look at for an hour and a half!

It’s not all bad (well most of it is) the music is good and actors are fine despite there poor material, the leeches look good, and the bikini girls are cute. You can live a long a fine life without ever watching the original or the remake.

LESLIE MORRIS 19.02.09